Growing Pains ...

Hello All! I'm baaaccckkkk! LOL :D

I am a little nervous about posting this blog as it's been a while since I've written anything, but as I was praying earlier today, I really felt that I needed to share some of my thoughts. So, I don't know if someone needs to hear this word today, or if I'm supposed to share so that you have something specific to pray for me. ;)

I was in my room folding laundry earlier, and spending some time in prayer. Hannah was watching Dora, so I actually had a few minutes of quiet. That doesn't happen often in this house, or probably in any house that has a preschooler living in it.  I have been really struggling of late as to the direction that God has for Hannah and I ... do I take a step of faith, or just wait? I know the tugging in my heart, and some of the dreams that I would like to see happen, but I am a living testimony that life dreams do not always turn out the way that you had dreamed that they would. As I've shared before, I am a planner ... I like to have at least an idea of where life is headed and what might be required of me. And, honestly, that's some of what kept me somewhat sane during the journey of Melvin's illness, and what keeps me sane when it comes to raising Hannah (okay, so maybe not completely sane ... alright, maybe just a little bit sane. LOL) But, as I was folding clothes, I began to realize something about myself. I do NOT like to put myself out there. I just don't. I like to know ahead of time what I might be facing and plan accordingly. I had just had a conversation with my mom that had "triggered" some of these thoughts, but as I was praying, my thoughts were drawn to my current circumstances. I never, in a million years, would have thought that at the age of 37, I would be a widow and a single mom. It's just not something that you dream about, but unfortunately, life sometimes throws things at us that we least expect. And we can either choose to wallow in those circumstances, or we can "get up, dust ourselves off", or "hose" ourselves off (whichever applies), take the hand of Jesus, and start our journey forward.

As I was saying, I do NOT like to put myself out there. I do NOT like to put myself in situations where I might not like the results. For example, I do NOT like to try on clothes. I am one of those people who likes to go in, with an idea in mind of what I would like, and then when I find it (in my size), I will buy 3 or 4 items in different colors, and get out of there. But, I will not try them on until I get home. I don't like to try on clothes and then have to put it back because I really like it, but it doesn't like me. I don't like trying things on for size only to find that it doesn't fit. Needless to say, I'm not a huge shopper. When I go to restaurants, I often find myself ordering the same thing. I find something that I like, and I stick with it. That can be a good thing ... it also means that I am an extremely loyal friend. (Which by the way, can also be a bad thing because I sometimes place my loyalty in people or things that do not deserve my loyalty). I recently had a family member tell me that they wish that I would just date several people, instead of just committing to one man so soon after losing Melvin. I understand their concern, but this leads me back to what I know about myself. I do not like to put myself out there. And God knows this about me. I would not enjoy the "dating" game ... too much hastle, and too much rejection. There, I said it. I don't like rejection. I don't like feeling rejected, and I don't like to reject anyone. Even clothes. LOL :D I don't like putting myself out there so that someone else can figure out whether I "fit" them or not. Because what if they decide that I don't "fit"? Yep. That's right. Rejection. Make sense? Hope so. 

Anyway, what is my point in all of this? There isn't one. (No, I'm just kidding). My point is that I need to learn to trust God more with my life. I would rather stay in what's comfortable and good (or even not so good), rather than put myself out there for something that might be better for me, and take me to a whole new level in my relationship with Christ. I am at a place in my life where I want more. I want God to take me to a new level in Him. Have you ever gone thru a season in your life where you just feel dry in your relationship with the Lord? Well, that's me right now. I know that God has more for me, and I have been seeking the Lord as to what steps I need to take to bring that about. I recently felt the Lord leading me to try out a women's bible study. Unfortunately, this study is not at my church, and it meets on a night when my church is also having services. But, I really felt the Lord tugging at me to try it. Well, come to find out, the study is about Jonah and when life gets interrupted. Isn't that appropriate for where Hannah and I are at? So, I am taking a step of faith and will attend this bible study for the next 6 weeks. I believe that the Lord is nudging me to get out there so that I can grow in Him. Keep in mind that growth is often painful, and uncomfortable, but also very necessary. A child can not always stay a child in the physical ... they have to grow up and learn responsibility and most will get married and become parents. Growth is necessary ... more than likely, you are not going to see an adult sucking on a baby bottle. No, we have to mature and move on to solid foods like steak, and chocolate cream pie, and pizza. (Anyone else hungry?) In the spiritual, the same concept applies ... we can not always stay where we are at spiritually. God wants to take us higher in Him, and deeper in the knowledge of Him. And sometimes we have to walk thru things that are very painful, such as terminal illness, or the loss of a loved one, or watching our child make choices that may lead them down a path that we would not have chosen for them. But, it's in those times, that God reveals Himself to us in ways that we may not even see at the time. Sometimes you don't see all of what He does, or all of who He is, until you look back.  After God has healed some of the hurt, you can see things more clearly. To be honest, I am still in that process. I know that God is faithful, and that Hannah and I would not be where we are if it was not for God carrying us thru, and giving us the strength to walk this out each day. But, I am still in the process of healing and do not see all that He has done, or will do in our lives. But, I do know that He is God, and He is faithful, and He loves us so much that as painful as it is, He will not allow us to stay in what's comfortable. Because He wants us to grow in Him. And He wants us to experience His best for us. Not what we think is best for us. And that means that sometimes the plans that we have for our lives are going to get interrupted, or possibly even completely destroyed so that His will can be accomplished in us, and so that we can experience His best for us. I'm going to leave you with a few of my favorite verses, which I have shared in my blogs before, but even if it's for no one else, I need the reminder of these verses today.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Proverbs 3:5,6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."

Isaiah 43: 1b-2 "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go thru deep waters, I will be with you. When you go thru rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk thru the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you."